I really wonder if that fight was defining. Am I dating Alex Goosemann all over again? Am I too critical? I wish now I could take it all back and just enjoy that bottle of wine but I can’t.
I really miss vanya, I wish I could actually go to Cali this summer, I wish we could party at Connor’s house and lie to Jordan about where I slept. I wish we could drive Nina to school and pretend I was his girlfriend at family parties. I want to watch the heat lightening and drink with his parents.
Like ana said yesterday maybe it’s the moon, or maybe like cor said it’s because I’m not in the rain just watching it but I’ve really had the most amazing few weeks. I do feel a little guilty that I don’t have as much work as everyone but I’m going to get a 4.0 this semester so there is no reason for me to feel any guilt about not constantly consuming myself with work.
Formal was really great. I just loved having friends there that I really care about and have fun with. Even though I have these slight spurts when I get angry with cor for no drunken reason, he just knows how to talk to me now. Ever since that first dinner with my parents, when my dad jokingly told us the key to any relationship was communication we just both took that so seriously I feel. He knew I was a little uncomfortable in the basement and when he just says you know you can talk to me I just understood again that its okay to explain how I feel to him. Watching the heat lighting in the field with him was just exactly where I wanted to be, not the the basement of phi cigarette or not blacking out at ato formal just in the grass waking the storm move towards us. Yesterday was just the best day ever, I was so completely happy but I just missed him. And it wasn’t like an annoying unhappy miss that dragged me down in any sense, it was just I wish he was experiencing these happy moments with me.
I really felt like home yesterday. I just love Neal so incredibly much. I’m so happy that he is happy and there are now people around him that appreciate this wonderful qualities. Driving though the apple orchards/fairy fields at magic hour was just magical. Of course the hash helped of course but climbing trees and listening to Toby tell us about his high school stories here and seeing Kenny and Ana so happy in the fields. I honestly didn’t climb trees as a kid that often and I was so afraid yesterday but being at the top looking in the the fields was perfect, truly perfect. I can’t believe I’ve never been to that second observation tower, I really makes the one near campus look like a joke.
Climbing to the top and watching the sunset at precisely the perfect time was so wonderful. That’s just what we do at home with the fire tower and I can’t wait to go back there again soon. Having that talk up there with ana was just so right, we didn’t know what it was but we were both just so happy. Driving away with neal swerving absolutely increased our high but I really almost started crying from how happy I was.
The bonfire ended up so funny. I really can’t believe how many people showed up. Col with Will Boone and the lax prom and lambda and lolo and just such a big mix of people that at the beginning of the year I honestly never would have seen together or even knew but we were all so relieved to be there. Talking with Petrack and Brooks and even Tobs and Col. People really are all the same and I have so many that I do enjoy here now. Of course there’s going to be ups and downs but lately the ups have been so numerous.
I can’t wait to go to this concert tonight. I enjoyed hanging out with Rachel so much today, I really just appreciate her friendship so much. I hope me not playing soccer doesn’t pull us apart because we are just on the same page in so many ways. Not about emotional things I guess but more just having such a general respect for each other. On Wednesday when we both talked all day and were so excited to go out together and then she ended up going to Alex Casey’s with the phi sig girlfriends and I went to 209 to smoke we both just kinda understood. I feel like that’s so rare. Most girls would be bitchy or complain but we both just knew we wanted each other to be happy in our separate little worlds. I hope my world doesn’t separate too far from hers, I am so happy that she has tyler though because she just seems so happy with him and I know they are just on the same level with enjoying their lives here.
Enjoy what you have. Find peace everyday. Love people who love you. Take deep breathes when you are happy.
I love the rain the most, right now.
I just had a moment of magic. Sitting watching this horrible storm turn in to a beautiful drizzle. This life is beautiful. You have to remember this moment like Charlie said in perks for when the bad moments seem to only come. You are happy right now. Corey is writing his paper and you are reading about the divine beauty of the voice of God in the form of another culture. It’s all the same is what makes me the most happy. I really love learning about different religions because the more I learn the more it molds together. The sun today was beautiful and rushing home to run because I wanted to so bad was something I haven’t felt in so long. I love running for myself, it’s freeing and wonderful. Sunday and last night really felt like home here, I oddly enough don’t want to leave. I mean I do but right now its seems everything is aligned and I’ve finally found a balance but now its almost over. I can’t believe I’ll be a junior next year, Liane is getting a real job, Kylie talked about marriage the other day, it’s all so quick but I guess that’s whats so beautiful about it. I have to remember these moments.
Bonfire at 129. Smoking to Ja Rule. The sound of the rain on Breinbaugh’s roof.
the world needs your beautiful light.
(via ignaac)
I think I am supposed to preach. This is the most bizarre thing think and it’s weird for me the first time saying it out loud basically. But haven’t I always somewhat known that, since the first time I wrote that confirmation sermon in 8th grade. Just talking to Buzz was so right, I can write there, I can talk there, I can travel, I can be with people, I can be alone, I can comfortable people, I can research. I really want to go to Yale Divinity or even Harvard Divinity. I think Yale. I want a full scholarship. I could get my PhD. I could do great things in so many senses. I won’t say that aloud really, what do you want to be when you grow up, a minister? Seems weird. I keep pushing it away and at some point, not now I think I will accept it.
http://hannahkaty.com/2010/03/03/you-your-best-thing/
I do something quirky when I fall into a slump with myself. This is the first time I am admitting to it.
When a day comes along where I lose sight of myself as an individual I head up to the third floor of the college library. I power through the shelves of books to where catalog numbers PS meet PR and locate a book with the card number: PS3563.08749. I know it by heart.
The book is Toni Morrison’s Beloved, a novel that hardly allows me to draw any parallels to my own life. The cover is worn, the pages are torn. The message never breaks. It is hidden like a gem in the back of the book and I read it over and over again, sucking out the sweetness in the spaces and the syllables:
He wants to put his story next to hers.
“Sethe,” he says, “me and you, we got more yesterday than anybody. We need some kind of tomorrow.”
He leans over and takes her hand. With the other he touches her face. “You your best thing, Sethe. You are.” His holding fingers are holding hers.
“Me? Me?”
Ok, I am a literature geek. I get that. I accept that. (P.s. I love it). But something about this line just hits me. It has hit me ever since I first laid eyes on it last year and began to cry in the middle of my literature class at the beauty of the statement. You your best thing. The broken message brings me back to the beauty in my own self. Every. Single. Time.
How often do we forget that we are indeed our best thing? Even worse, we insist on comparing ourselves to others. I am not as good as her. I will never be like him. I will never get as far as she has.What a terrible, terrible disservice we do to ourselves in knocking ourselves down all these notches. We think, why should someone ever look to me or want to be like me?
Well enough of this. Enough of not being good enough or not being like someone else. Clearly there is a very good reason for our individualism, so that I can do my thing and you can do your thing.
We need to embrace our individualism. We need to be our best thing.
So here is to “being our best things.”
I am my best thing.
I know hunger statistics like the back of my hand. I am great at baking cupcakes. I am not an awesome singer, but I have more soul than Mariah Carey. I can turn just about anything into a legitimate debate on feminism. I am an excellent dancer and gifted at rapping (if I do say so myself). I am ambitious and outgoing, passionate and poised. I could put you to shame in a Lil’ Wayne trivia contest and I would have made a heck of a forensic pathologist had I had not discovered that I did not like dead bodies. I am anxious but in a good way, full in the best way. I am healthy and I am strong; I can curl more weight than a handful of guys in the weight room and I concoct a killer smoothie. I have an eye for literature and a knack for prose. I have dreams in my head and I am a straight shooter; I speak my mind and I stand up for injustice. If I had been lived in the 60s I would have made one hell of a protester but if I had lived in the 20s you would have thought I was a great flapper. And if by chance I had been around in 1912, Jack Dawson would have fallen for me on the Titanic. Of this I am sure. I am a good communicator, a great debater. I am getting better each day with listening and even my flaws are beautiful. I can make people laugh (even if most of the time they are only laughing because I find myself so funny) and I can laugh at life. I am Irish. I am German. I am Slovakian. And I am proud. I wake up every morning and I show up for life. I do my part and trust I am doing enough.
I am my best thing.
Am I perfect? Far from it. But I am the best version of myself and I am no imitation of someone else.
I am my best thing and you your best thing.
What makes you your best thing?
I’m really going to miss this semester with Cor. It’s just so simple and so fun now, last night minus my little Pam’s freak out was so much fun. Smoking and talking and just eating so many fricken nuts and chocolates is just my ideal. Im just so constantly attracted to him it’s bizarre. I really wanna look pretty at formal for him, and me clearly but I hope Victoria vetch is there so I can drunkenly laugh at her. I’m just to excited Kylie is coming too this really could be the best formal of the year. My formal was so fun and I just think we are going to have the best time. I can’t even thinking about going abroad, but actually I can. I’m so happy were on the same page with it, I would have freaked out if a guy wanted to stay with me and he knows. Icecream now yaya
Tonight was so completely bizarre. I’m writing this in Cor’s bed while he just walked back to out. I’m glad that I have this time alone to actually think through this weekend.
Friday was so bad and good. I can’t believe I got that sick again. I’m so glad Kenny got me that cake because the thought of just destroying my body again really was terrifying. Sitting on the coach outside at Crow was honestly one of the best times I’ve had at school. I was so high and the music was perfect, okay not perfect at all but country was good and I was so happy to be with Elise and Jenna and Rachel was having fun playing volleyball it was just genuinely nice to hang out with all of Chi O in such a chill environment. If you would’ve told me in September that Dani would be sitting in my lap and I’d be playing with her hair I would have laughed in your face. Anyway sleeping with ray was perfect timing. Seeing Cor at ATO was just the best thing ever honestly. I was so so happy he surprised me. Getting to hang out with him and all my friends and house was just so fun. Midnight madness with him and smoking was just wonderful, Red Hot Chili Peppers Visualizer and that amazing sex was just absolutely ideal. We both knew it too when I started talking about just being friends but we can have amazing sex like that.
This morning at Lambda was also wonderful. Just playing cards with neal and bug, getting to hang out with Ky and listen to whatever song I want and just sitting on the porch talking. It’s just exactly how I think I want to feel when I go out. Fast forward to tonight and I just couldn’t even fathom going out when I woke up. From the beginning my attitude cursed me because I just couldn’t put more toxic liquid in my body I knew it. The second I sat down at Strat I just knew I wasn’t gunna have a good night. SAE was so gross and smoky. And why the fuck would I want to listen to this shit shit old man live band do a horrible rendition of Green Day Time of Your Life when I could be listening to explosions in the sky at Sweetlife. I was miserable there and when I just get in those moods I can’t really get out of them. But Kylie really did do the best she should and I did have fun with her and Liz. Also Liz Stevenson is my fucking hero god I love her.
I just was so scared at Lambda when that fucking SAE kid broke the ceiling. I was so happy for Cor and Neal and everyone that so many people were there. I had no idea they were actually going to pull it off but I was so happy. I just really tried to be happy with Cor even though I felt so sick but that two fucking second scare really impacted me. I got so scared that I was going to lose Cor again. I knew he wouldn’t do anything but that other kid was such a fucking douche and I really just hate these fucking drunk disgusting frat kids. Just like really get a fucking reality check it makes my stomach crawl really.
I want cor to come back, i want my stomach to be normal, i dont want to play in the fucking cresent classic tomorrow.
where is the line between what I wanna do and what I should do for my house or friends or just for “springfest” sake.
I wanna sleep now. Or watch girls.
